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Helping Post-Abortive Men
By Linda Perry
Executive Director of Assist CPC and Former Director of New Mexico Right to Life
Since the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision legalized abortion on demand in America throughout all nine months of pregnancy, more than 44 million pre-born children have died. But the child is not the only victim. For every aborted child, there is an abortive mother and also a forgotten abortive father.
 A post-abortive man seemingly may be uninvolved and unaffected by the abortion of his child, but many find they too pay a toll. Sociologist Arthur Shostak observed in an article of The Family Connector that three out of four male respondents studied said they had a difficult time with the abortion experience. A sizeable minority reported persistent day and night dreams about the aborted child with guilt, remorse, and sadness.
A man may suffer because he is the father of the child; the father of a pregnant woman who aborts; or a man who marries a woman at some time after her abortion experience. A man could have had a high level of involvement in the abortion decision. He may have insisted on the abortion as a prerequisite for continuing the relationship.
One father stated, "I didn't want to be saddled with a child. She did not want to have the abortion, but I steadfastly insisted. After the abortion, her face was a mask of grief and horror. It was at that moment that I knew that abortion was wrong."
 Other men who suffer a high level of pain may have threatened the woman's life or physically and verbally abused her until she gave in.
Some men suffer great after-abortion pain not because they promoted or forced the abortion but because their child was killed without their knowledge or consent.
Other men actively tried to stop the abortion without success. Dr. Christopher Moore in the American Medical News, October 14, 1991, eloquently tells the story of his powerlessness: "Even though I was the father and wanted to care for my child, I couldn't unless my wife wanted to have it. She controlled her life, our child's life, and my life. I controlled nothing, I had no rights, I was just the father. . . I sat in the waiting room alone. Somehow it was like attending a funeral, but there was no one to mourn our loss with me.
The following are some of the symptoms that men experience from post-traumatic stress caused by abortion. For ninety percent of couples who share the abortion experience, their relationship will not survive an abortion. Ninety-five percent of the relationships that do survive the abortion end up being an abusive relationship. Post-abortive men often have difficulty with trust and intimacy. A sense of loss or a hollow relief may be experienced, and loneliness and numbness are common complaints.
The beginning or acceleration of avoidance behaviors and addictions may follow an abortion. These include drug and alcohol abuse, promiscuity, sexual addiction, pornography addiction, eating disorders, and workaholism.
 Other men may suffer sexual dysfunction. Sleeplessness and bad dreams are symptoms, as are anger or guilt. Some men may find that they have an inability to relax. Often there is depression, fear of failure, or fear of rejection. For some men, there is an inability to bond with future children.
Though the symptoms of post-abortion stress are largely the same for men and for women, there are at least three differences: the way men view their role, the way men express their pain, and men's difficulty verbalizing their pain. God has designed a man/father to protect and provide for his wife and children physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Abortion is a rejection of these manly roles.
A man may feel confused about his role as a father. He may even feel rage over his helplessness in protecting his children as a result of the lack of a father's rights. Vicki Thorne of Post-Abortion Reconciliation and Healing states, "These fathers are in incredible pain. It doesn't matter what role they had in the abortion, they grieve full time. The men who tried to prevent the abortion are rage-filled with a sense of impotence that they couldn't protect the child and they couldn't protect the woman."
Warren Williams, Director of Fathers and Brothers Ministries said, "Men don't have the social permission to grieve the loss of these children. So men get stuck in their anger and never move on to grief. Eventually their feelings come out in self-abuse or physical abuse of the wife. And I am talking about extreme anger here. If a woman wants to have an abortion, there is nothing the man can do to talk her out of it even if he wants to raise the child. We have relegated all reproductive rights to women, yet both people were involved."
A man often has difficulty in talking about his pain. Steve Arterburn said, "All I wanted was as little embarrassment for me, the girl, and our parents as possible. Not realizing that I would be ending a life, I went for the quick fix of abortion. It fixed nothing. Guilt haunted me and seeped into every fiber of who I am, resulting in 80 internal ulcers. I could not forgive myself nor accept that God had. A doctor told me I would need surgery -- or might even die -- if something didn't change. After two years of turmoil, I finally accepted the forgiveness that Christ had provided, forgave myself, and started over. The post-abortion syndrome I had experienced is the same as that which hundreds of men have shared with me after hearing my story."
Article reprinted with permission by Linda Perry.
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